Forgive me, ye gods of fantasy baseball, for I am about to grow a little bit corny.

After just watching the historic inauguration of our new U.S. president, I am a bit stuck on the theme of “change.”  It strikes me, however, that we need change, not just here in this country, but among all ballplayers, around the world. Thus, I present five foreign-born superstars and what they need to change in order to provide good value this upcoming season.

Alexei Ramirez of Pinar del Rio, Cuba: Yes, fantasy baseball owners are in love with your potential to put up both HRs and SBs at a thin 2B position. And teasing us with multi-position eligibility isn’t hurting either. But warning signals abound: With a pitiful 59% SB-success rate, you’re making it seem easier to defect from Cuba than to get to second base. Please change your approach towards making steals happen because at this rate, even White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen of Miranda State, Venezuela isn’t going to give you the “go” sign forever.

Daisuke Matsuzka of Tokyo, Japan: We won’t complain about 18 wins and a 2.90 ERA. Well, almost. Your funky delivery can’t disguise putting 94 men on base via walk in nearly 168 innings. This adds up to a much less nice 4.03 FIP, a measure that sabermetricians like to use to calculate what ERA should really be, considering the peripheral stats. Please change your command of the strike zone because “hideyoshi” doesn’t last forever.

Chien-Ming Wang of Tainan City, Taiwan: Man, you were finally on the path towards becoming a very respectable starting pitcher last season in fantasy leagues by upping your strikeout rate from 4.7 strikeouts-per-9 IP to 5.12. That’s still well behind the curve of fantasy pitching relevance, but we were willing to cut you some slack because of the uniform you wear and your mind-boggling ability to induce groundballs. Then, you had to get cute by elephant-footing your way to home plate for a run during an interleague game. Please change your notion of what pitchers do in the major leagues because fantasy baseball isn’t the only realm where nobody pays a pitcher for his offensive ability.

Carlos Gomez of Santiago, Dominican Republic: OK, who are we kidding, you’re not a superstar. Yes, you were traded for a true international superstar in Johan Santana of Tovar Merida, Venezuela. But if you swing at everything and wrack up 142 strikeouts like the year before, you’ll never approach the stolen base totals of fellow Dominican Republic native Willy Taveras. Please change your vision of this nation, because from time to time, we do like to give handouts, and a free walk once in a while may just make it more likely you’ll see a pitch within U.S. borders once in a while.

Andruw Jones of Willemstad, Curacao, Netherlands: Last but not least, we come to you. Assuredly, the first moment you hit two home runs in a single game, you’ll be snatched up off of the waiver wire by at least 70 percent of those who play fantasy baseball. Whether or not you stick around longer than a week on rosters depends largely on your exercise routine. Please change your discipline to this game because at age 32, you shouldn’t have as much fantasy baseball relevance as Curacao, Netherlands compadre Hensley Meulens.